I finished reading The Diary of Anne Frank yesterday and it left me crying, thoughtful, resourceful, and insightful. This is one of my favorite books of all time! After reading it, it's like I know this girl more intimately than anyone. I have shared trials with her that no one else could. And although I will never understand the pain she went through and some of the things that happened to her, I feel like her thoughts and dreams are so similar to mine that none of that matters. She says things in her writing that I have said before and her courage is something that I long to achieve.
It is crazy how books can become another best friend and it is equally strange that this book was actually the mind of a real little girl who actually lived during a time when I would have killed myself and I feel like I know everything about her because we are so similar.
This is a strange journal entry and I hope no one reads it. I am only trying to put something together...

Well I was just visiting my best friend, Amanda's page and her journal prompted me to go for mine. I am thinking about the exact same thing as her, regret. Ironic I guess. Friends' minds are connected in some weird way. That's just how it works.
Anyway, I've decided that I absolutely and utterly regret moving in with a man. Because A) I hate them. B) They all scare me to death C) I am never good enough for any of them and D) I hate them. Now, I really do try. I have tried for so long to tell myself that there are some good ones out there, which I know to be true. But what it all boils down to is that I don't care. I don't. I STILL hate them. Even if they're good, they have ill-omened drems. Even if they open doors for the ladies, they do think about tripping them on their way in. Even if they dance like gods, They'd rather stomp on my feet and break my ankles. And that's how I feel about men. Every good intention is coated. Every smile is a guise. Maybe Ian is one of those good ones out there. I really think he is. But I am not good enough for him. I never will be. And That is what I truly regret. I regret that I have never been good enough. I never will be. And that's why I regret this fucking move. What have I gotten myself into? I can't move out now! We've split up our books, our cds, sold the doubles, bought pet iguanas, secured the same job, sleep in the same bed, wake at the same hour of the night. We're fucking glued together. Forever is the most ominous word I have ever heard...

And that is exactly what he wants...

Marriage can suck its own dick.
I do not want it.

Amanda has gone far away and she's about to become even farther away! Goodness.

I want to leave.
I have never moved in my whole damn life! I am going to go crazy with anticipation, nervousness, and *sniff* I miss my friends already...

however! I wrote a new poem. Haven't written in a while.

And by the way, my demise has been cancelled reccently. Don't know, road construction or something. I am safe though, in the arms of love and even when I think about what once was, it is over...
Except for the other day. Ian got depressed because he had things to remind him all day long... It was bad. I thought and it came to me that I was worth nothing if such things happen so much to me. It is all officially over now though.

I AM that pheonix! For real this time! No more men, no more falseness, no more mundane games of sex and alcohol.

I AM IN LOVE!

I am back!
My computer is fixed and I am fully here again. My writing spirit has awakened again and I feel that my life is regained. I just graduated! Woohoo! So I have been preparing to leave for Tucson soon. I'm more than ecstatic at the prospect of such change.

I am whole.
Finally.


However, I shall miss more than anything, my best friends, Amanda and Lily.